2022.02.27 Journal

* Day two of journaling about Courage/Affirmation/Feasible
* Social health – Hang out with friends in person.

* Meditation – Day 720
* Journaling – Day 62
* Yoga – Day 62
* Cold shower – Day 34

1:22pm I hadn’t journaled the past two days, and I feel perfectly fine about that. I expected to be a little more upset at myself or like I’d want to double down on some sort of resolve, but that’s not what I feel right now. I’m kind of just shrugging it off and noticing what there is to learn from it. Firstly, I’m satisfied with my decisions for how I allocated my time. I spent my time socializing with people I hadn’t seen in a while and working on reaffirming various relationships. That feels right to me. Secondly, I see ways I could still journal in the future. Such as setting a rule that before I allow myself to check news, I need to have journaled first.

I’m noticing that I’m feeling less resolve and urgency around exploring the feelings at higher energy levels. The ones below felt cathartic. Discussing Courage/Affirmation/ Feasible seems less important to me, possibly because it shifts from alleviating pain to pursuing enlightenment. All on the same path, yet interesting how it’s easy to settle or get apathetic once things get less painful. I see now that it does indeed actively take substantially more energy to keep going higher. It feels more like pushing a car to go faster on the highway – where it takes ever more energy since you get more wind resistance as things speed up – and less like rolling a boulder down a hill, where it picks up speed and goes faster, more easily able to knock obstacles out of its way. I’m starting to understand better why so few people reach the highest levels. It gets comfortable. So without an extreme amount of fortitude, the default would be to stop trying partway. It’s like having a goal to be a professional athlete and realize that just getting in really good shape is enough. Reflecting on believing that things are feasible, and how that’s in a loop with courage and affirmation, I’m looking at how I’m running my company and going for a relatively safe outcome. It’s tempting to do that instead of going for the bigger win. So instead of going all the way to the highest peak or achieving full potential, settling for “pretty good” or “slightly outside but still near my comfort zone.” One of the ways I define courage is being scared and doing something anyways. It is knowing that you’ll be likely to feel pain and determining to act in the face of it. So then there’s the question of: when one acts in the face of fear, is one being courageous or stupid? Now I understand where believing that something is feasible comes in. I wouldn’t think it’s courageous to attempt to fight a professional heavy-weight boxer without a weapon, there’s pretty much no chance I’d win. But I suppose it’s feasible I could overcome a number of other situations. Even with the odds stacked against ones’ self, there has to be some belief in a feasible path for courage to take root. And then afterwards, there are so many rational fears and scenarios to think through and plan around, that moving to action in a setting where courage is required necessitates affirmations to be positive. Let’s say you’re a kid fighting two bullies and are likely to lose, you have to tell yourself that at least you’ll land a punch on one of them, and that’s a victory. And you have to reaffirm it until you act. As I write about this topic, I’m finding myself more attracted and curious about it. I’m excited to be exploring courage this week, as I go further into fundraising for my challenging project.

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