2022.01.07 Journal

* At least 30 minutes of the programming tutorial. Missed yesterday. Keeping the daily goal the same though to keep it approachable
* Day Three of journaling about Guilt/Blame/Evil
* Prep my clothes for cousin’s funeral

* Meditation – Day 669
* Journaling – Day 12
* Yoga – Day 11

I remembered to give myself positive feedback during most parts of my meditation this AM. I had a coaching session yesterday in which the main takeaways were:
1) I don’t have to or need to label my emotions – just feeling the physical sensations is enough.
2) It would likely be transformative for me to be intentional about speech cadence in more of my interactions. Specifically, I could slow down more and take pauses.
3) My follow-up homework assignments are: Ask at least a dozen people how they feel or become aware of their emotions. Build intentional pauses into at least a dozen interactions.

My yoga practice is definitely feeling routine and comfortable. Journaling before I start my day is feeling routine and comfortable also.

Doing another day on Guilt/ Blame/ a world view where some things are evil is definitely bringing up observations and insights. In the past 24 hours have reflected on how guilt can be harder for me because guilt is about actions I’ve taken – which I am responsible for and mean I’m taking part in defining who I am, while shame is something I’ve inherited, so it’s easier for me to accept these things on a first pass. That said, it was challenging for me to access the feelings of shame. In some ways I’m more embarrassed of things I’ve done than who I am. Though I am the person who did the things I’ve done. Or at least, the past me was. And I’m the person who is taking my current actions. One of those current actions is airing things out I feel guilt around.

  • Various people I’ve ghosted in dating situations.
  • Times when I’ve blamed someone for things they did and attribute it to their character rather than be understanding.
  • Times I’ve been callous towards other while being crappy at relating. A specific thing that comes to mind is someone mourning the death of their dog – I think I was 19 or 20 at the time – and I really didn’t understand why that was such a big deal. I’d never had a dog, and one of the few things I knew about them is that they all die, so that’s one of the things you sign up for when you get one. So I just didn’t really pay attention to what was going on in that area of the bar. The person who was mourning was next to me for some reason and ordering a drink. Not sure how we ended up in conversation about this but he let me know what was going on and I didn’t really react. His friend, who was pretty tough looking, says, “Hey aren’t you going to say something? What if it was your dog?” And I said, “Not sure. Dog’s aren’t really my cup of tea.” Not sure where that came from. I didn’t even drink tea, much less have specific preferences for how mine was made – to go along with that expression. But I can see in retrospect and knew immediately from everyone’s reactions that was an inconsiderate thing to say. It still comes up in my head from time to time.
  • I feel guilty for not showing up better in a couple of business partnerships I had when I was younger.

Let me go further into Blame and the judgment that comes attached to having a worldview of good/ evil. Hmm… something that just came up even when I was typing is that I’m judging the quality of my insights and journal writing about guilt. I’m not feeling like I’ve hid a rich vein yet. Instead, it feels like I’m wandering about aimlessly, hoping I stumble into something. And I’m glad I’m doing so. I feel like this is part of the process for me – spending time with emotional states that are currently inaccessible to me and seeing what happens. Every baby has had to do the same thing. And I also think it’s possible – given how many billions of humans there are – that I might just have a particularly challenging time accessing some emotion or feeling. Just the same as there are some humans who are born color-blind or can’t hear certain frequencies. All the focusing and intention setting in the world won’t allow those people to see or hear things their body does not have sensors for. However, they can sense other things more deeply. Those last few sentences feel good to type. I’m noticing my breathing has gotten deeper because I’ve released some stress associated with the exercise now that I’ve told myself it’s ok if guilt and blame feel muted. That’s a fun observation, because from some perspective, I’ve now given myself permission to blame genetics and something outside of myself for things like not feeling feelings.

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