2022.01.08 Journal

todo::
* At least 30 minutes of the programming tutorial. Missed yesterday. Keeping the daily goal the same though to keep it approachable
* Day Four of journaling about Guilt/Blame/Evil
* Attend my cousin’s funeral

habits::
* Meditation – Day 670
* Journaling – Day 13
* Yoga – Day 12

Reflections:: 7:44am. I’ve meditated, done yoga, and about to shower before heading to my cousin’s funeral. Noticed yesterday that some of my decisions, like attending my cousin’s funeral, are influenced by guilt that I’ve felt in the past, and my wishing to learn from those experiences. A friend’s mother died when I was around 23 years old. And I didn’t attend the funeral. I didn’t understand how meaningful it was to attend funerals. I was tired from work at a new job, and slept instead. That influenced a bad end to our friendship. I still feel guilty about not showing up to that funeral. The me of today is a different me. I’ve been there for people as they attend to family members who’ve passed. Though not my own grandmother. I think she died before my friend’s mother died. And now that I think about it, not attending my grandmother’s funeral and wanting to avoid that family probably influenced my not prioritizing going to my friend’s mother’s funeral. Today, I’ll be attending my cousin’s funeral. I haven’t interacted with him in 20 years or so. But I know it would by meaningful to my aunt – whom I’ve also not interacted with in 20+ years – and his wife I’ve never met, if more people were there. It will mean something to me that I attend the funeral, and I’m curious to see what sorts of feelings come up for me.

As I reflect on emotions, I find myself thinking about the difference between feeling them, and living in them. And also how having a world view is different from trying on a perspective.

9:23am. In an uber on my way to the funeral, and just installed the wordpress app so I could write/ edit posts more easily on my phone. If I had done my todo list item of laying out my clothes for the funeral yesterday, I would have realized that all my formal pants – even jeans – were at my old apartment. So now I’m wearing black sweatpants and not a suit to the funeral. I reassure myself that at least I’m going. And it’s 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside so I’ll be able to keep my long coat on. I still feel guilty for not having things together better and showing up to the funeral in more formal attire.

I’m noticing that I’m craving some sort of great epiphany every time I journal. But I don’t need that. It’s enough for me to simply spend time journaling and have “exploring and being aware of guilt” as a backdrop or an intention. This seems to tie into another theme for me, of slowing down. I speak fast and can often be rushing to whatever destination I’m heading to. What if, instead, I made more contact with my intention to slow down? I’m doing that with yoga. I’m doing very basic asanas every morning and starting to feel deeper progress. I’m doing that with meditation. It’s a habit I check in with every morning. And it feels like I’m settling into that with journaling and feeling emotions. I’m giving myself permission to slow down and not rush here also. I wonder how guilt around not being further along contributes to feeling uncomfortable slowing down. I wonder how smiling at that feeling and accepting it can lead to my feeling more comfortable slowing down and enjoying myself each moment.

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