2022.01.09 Journal

* Revisit my commitment to do the programming tutorial. I’ve missed most days the past week
* Day Five of journaling about Guilt/Blame/Evil
* Work lunch
* Dinner about non-profit

* Meditation – Day 671
* Journaling – Day 14
* Yoga – Day 13

8:50am Waking up and doing yoga/ meditating, and then journaling are all solid habits for me now and have merged into a holistic morning routine. I woke up this morning and started it without really even thinking about it. I’m also touching my toes more often during one of the asanas, which isn’t the point but definitely serves as a clear progress marker. I’ve also noticed I’m doing a much more consistent job of noticing when my mind has wandered so I give myself positive feedback.

Shifting to journaling about Guilt…

Guilt is the level of remorse, self-recrimination, and masochism. Moreover, blame (victimhood) is often used to manipulate and punish others.
In guilt, you see yourself as a sinner and are unable to forgive yourself for past actions and behavior. 
Unconscious guilt can have serious consequences for the body in the form of diseases, accidents, and suicidal behavior.
Guilt is self-indulgence and to alleviate guilt we require acceptance and forgiveness. By being compassionate towards ourselves we can see that it is not necessary to suffer from one mistake over and over again.


There are so many things I’ve done to feel remorse about, yet I’m having trouble finding things I have not forgiven myself for. I’m also having trouble seeing myself as a sinner, though I see it as a useful lens for me to see myself through, just like any other number of lenses. Let me stop and just feel for a couple of minutes, trying to feel guilt and being a victim. Setting a timer for 2 minutes. Timer done. Insights include: This blog itself is self-indulgent. I could argue that my doing this self-parenting work to get more emotional awareness contains an undercurrent of feeling like I’m a victim who’s saving himself. I view myself as a victim to my mother’s level of social skills and social awareness. I use my own lack of social awareness and consideration of being on the autism spectrum to manipulate others into giving me leniency that they might not otherwise grant me. I view my current self as a victim to the actions of my past self. At the same time, I found myself thinking that the opposite is also true, for each of those same scenarios. Doing self-parenting work to get more emotional awareness contains an undercurrent of feeling like I’m a coach, who’s creating a supporting environment for him to do the work of taking responsibility for turning his potential into actualization. My mother’s level of social skills and social awareness helped her provide a loving environment in the face of a number of severe environmental obstacles. I use being on the autism spectrum as a way to set a higher bar for myself and actively ask others to help hold me accountable. And I’m grateful for my past self and understand how taking past actions has resulted in my being set up for current actions – which I am quite grateful for and proud of. I’m noticing that no matter what feelings or thoughts I start with, I end up funneling them into a state of acceptance and understanding. And that I get very calm around them. Also, I notice that by being comfortable stating things I did or thought or felt and putting them in this blog, I acknowledge that they are actually in the past and no longer have any power over me. It’s completely safe for me to talk about hurtful or embarrassing things that past me did, because current me is strong and secure enough to not be harmed by those things. The corollary to that, is that anything I’m unable to air publicly still has power over me. An example would be if I committed a crime that is not past the statute of limitations and I’m afraid to be prosecuted for. Those sorts of things would have power over me to the extent that the repercussions of those actions or people finding out about those actions could create a state that I’m committed to having aversion for. To the extent that I take ownership of the actions of my past, and take actions in the present that I am proud of in the present, I make it easier for me to continue feeling safe and have fewer cares in the present and future. This is a concept for me to continue thinking about, as it’s really at the root of the journaling I’m doing now. I’m glad that I’ve successfully created a positive feedback loop for owning things and letting go of them. I feel like for me to continue moving forward, I need to expand it from things that I’ve done to things that have been done in general – by every human and every entity. If we are truly all connected and a part of a larger system, I can’t accept myself without accepting society as a whole. And as painful as it is, that includes all actions by all others – including people that I’ve never met and will never meet. As I type that, I get a wave of uncomfortableness in my forehead and shoulders, followed quickly by shallow breathing and a small feeling of release. 9:28am.

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