2022.01.16 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial Did over an hour
* Day Five of journaling about Apathy/Helplessness/Hopeless

* Meditation – Day 678
* Journaling – Day 21
* Yoga – Day 20

Reflections:: 7:36am. I woke up around 6am. Today I finally used the new neti pot I got, and am happy to have the whole routine flowing. It’s cool to notice that different parts of my legs than I’m used to using are now perpetually sore as a result of this yoga routine.

In having a day to reflect on yesterday’s journaling, I’m noticing I’m starting to feel more comfortable exploring apathy and feeling like things are helpless/ hopeless. I’m even noticing it in conversations with others about their situations and circumstances. Now that I have apathy as an option for someone’s state with regards to a situation, it feels natural to ask questions and make comments like, “It sounds like you think this situation has to be this certain way, and it’s going to stay that way. Is that correct?” or “Hmm… it seems things have been this way for a while, and you’ve found it’s easiest not to think about them. Maybe because part of you feels it’s never going to change. Is that correct?” And then the person can talk about the things they’ve tried that they use to rationalize them being in an apathetic state. I’m finding it very interesting. And then I’m noticing that following the steps of letting go in a conscious manner would imply that the very next step would be feeling grief and regret. Perhaps falling into depression. I’m nervously excited about finding out what happens next here as I explore the areas I’ve felt apathy.

As I get more comfortable around apathy and let myself feel things there, I’m noticing that there are areas of life where there are movement, and I’ll use those to distract me from the areas of my life where I feel helpless. That seems to be a positive adaptation – to focus on the things that go well. But is it really, if it’s not conscious? I believe that there will likely be some areas of my life that I’m paying less attention to, and that understanding/ accepting that will put me in alignment. While simultaneously, being aware of this will prompt me to name where I’m feeling helpless so I inevitably make changes faster. I’m already feeling more comfortable listing areas where I’m feeling apathetic in my work and personal lives, for example. And asking questions around those. “What are the areas that where we notice friction or a lack of movement, that we’ve learned to accept or not ask questions about? Are there any areas of our [lives] | [business] that we avoid looking at or talking about?”

In my personal life, a number of things covered a few days ago that I’ve already gotten unstuck. The hugest ones are likely that I’m weak at feeling emotions, that I don’t value relationships highest in my life, and that I don’t have 100% confidence I know who my father is. I don’t know why I care about those things so much. That’s a separate thing to explore. But those are the areas I avoid thinking about, where I’ll need to explore grieving the person I’ll need to stop being in order to move past them.

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