2022.01.17 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial Did over an hour
* Day Six of journaling about Apathy/Helplessness/Hopeless

* Meditation – Day 679
* Journaling – Day 22
* Yoga – Day 21

Reflections:: 9:45am Today’s a day off of work, and I stayed up late watching a tv show with my housemate. Neti’d, did yoga, meditated, and cleaned the living room before sitting down for this journaling session.

I’m generally pleased with what’s happening in different areas of my life, including how my ability to comprehend the feelings of others is getting deeper as I go further into journaling about different emotions. Even watching dramas on television is more rewarding.

The best way I can think of to describe it, is that it’s like listening to music with cotton stuffed in your ears, and then taking the cotton out. Or when you’re on an airplane and you think your hearing is fine, but then your ears pop and everything is crisper all of a sudden.

It feels like that with my interpersonal interactions and even when I think about the past.

Thinking about/ noticing apathy in my life, I can see it all the time now and feel at peace with it. It’s not something I feel the need to be reflexive about. “Of course I’m apathetic about [whatever the issue is], I don’t have a clear vision of how things would be different and I don’t have even the beginnings of a plan that I believe in, so the situation feels hopeless.” And then immediately after that, “For me to change this, what am I willing to grieve and let go of? Something will need to change, and that means something will need to be let go of that served me at some point or another.”

The clarity around feelings of helplessness and the feelings of relief whenever I discover helplessness are quite rewarding now. Along side the clarity is often feelings of embarrassment – and sometimes shame – and in general though, a slightly hopeful yet uncomfortable relief.

I’m imagining these insights will be transformational for my effectiveness as a leader at work now, since so much of my work is around getting the people in my organizations unstuck so that they can be effective.

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