2022.01.21 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial Did over an hour
* Day Three of journaling about Grief/Sadness/Regret & Depression

* Meditation – Day 683
* Journaling – Day 26
* Yoga – Day 25

reflections:: 9:12am. Yesterday was a particularly engaging day. From a work perspective, we wrapped up a legal matter that we’d been dealing with since I joined the company. From a personal growth perspective, today was excellent because I’m noticing that my body awareness and muscle control have increased to the point where my inner thighs and hamstrings are starting to stop contracting when I want them to.

Hopping into day three of journaling about grief/sadness/regret & depression….

In general what I’m noticing is that I’m having to work harder to find areas that I’m avoiding. My hypothesis is that I’ve been proactively handling the things that are at the surface and medium level depths, so it’s taking more work to find things. And that my current actions are intentional enough that I’m taking fewer actions that I have strong negative feelings about. Plus it’s possible that I’m just at a higher baseline state. If I reframe the exercise though, I can try and find times in the past where I was in a previous state. So for depression, I’m fairly positive I was depressed towards the end of the relationship I was in while I was living in India. On the surface, things looked good and were what I wanted, but I had all sorts of feelings I was holding inside about wishing I had more money, being upset about the tax situation I put myself, not having a paid project to work on, doubting my effectiveness as an entrepreneur, and not having that many friends in India. I gained a bunch of weight and just generally didn’t like myself. After moving back to NYC, I started working out more regularly and my depression went away, but regret stayed. When I think about that time period and how I handled it, I can tap into regret. When I think about how I picked which college to go to, I regret choosing based on the US News & World Report rankings instead of visiting the colleges myself or picking the one I knew in my gut would be best for me. When I think about some recent relationships I’ve ended, I regret ending them instead of doing the reframing work necessary to question whether it might be worth fighting for them. 9:27am. Time for work meetings.

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