2022.01.29 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day Five of journaling about Fear/ Worry & Anxiety
* Do something social – Planned on doing a birthday dinner for friend, but that got rescheduled and went out dancing at House of Yes instead

* Meditation – Day 691
* Journaling – Day 34
* Yoga – Day 33
* Cold shower – Day 6

reflections:: 12:05pm Went to House of Yes. Got home around 2:15am stayed up for a while because I couldn’t sleep. Woke up around 10am. Now done with yoga and meditation.

Noticing even more how being afraid of things like rejection or hearing a “no” can cause delays in action. It’s like your brain tells your entire being to pause, and unless you’ve trained yourself to act in the face of it, you listen to it. In what ways am I fearful, worried, or anxious about things today, in the present?

  • In fund-raising, I feel scared reaching out to friends sometimes.
  • In social situations, I sometimes feel scared saying hi to people I’m attracted to.
  • In interpersonal relationships, I sometimes feel scared expressing how much people mean to me.
  • In romantic relationships, I sometimes feel scared expressing how I am feeling at any given moment.

As I write these down, they’re all things that I’m aware of. And something I’m realizing is that I’ve conditioned myself to take plunges into things even when I’m scared. I just have to be aware that I’m scared first. It’s like being able to a cure for any disease you get, but you have to now you’re afflicted first before you can apply it. So yeah, worry and anxiety feels easier to deal with for me, I just need to know I’m experiencing it, and then it’s handled.

Something useful about the fear/ anxiety/ worry, is that it only exists in tension when there’s something I want. I don’t feel anxious about things I know are dangerous that I’m also not planning to do. But I do feel anxious about things I want to do. Even jumping into the cold shower. There’s anxiety for the brief moment before I step into the water. Then it immediately dissipates.

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