2022.01.31 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day Seven of journaling about Fear/ Worry & Anxiety
* Do something social – Dinner with friend and their kids. Housesit a friend’s dog.

* Meditation – Day 693
* Journaling – Day 36
* Yoga – Day 35
* Cold shower – Day 8

reflections:: 9:06am. I only journaled that one time yesterday. Though I did have a conversation with my housemate around the topic of Fear/ Worry & Anxiety that was over an hour. And it’s been great taking moments to socialize and go on dates because I’m able to notice patterns and try new things in more intense situations than the one I’m normally in. As I learned in the BOSS course, what takes the most mental energy is interacting with other people, not actually doing physical activities. So with emotional processing, it’s the interacting with other people that’s the hardest and sets up the most potential for creating new regrets. Not living by myself and working. So for today, thinking about how really leaning into Fear/ Worry & Anxiety leads to Desire/ Greed & Insatiability, it kind of makes sense. So with worry and anxiety, we spend energy holding ourselves back. Once that’s gone, and we stop holding ourselves back, does the pendulum swing in the other direction? This seems to make sense to me. So as a narrative, our baseline emotional state once we get self-aware is shame. We wonder if there’s something wrong with us. Then as we process that and get a more nuanced understanding of the world, we move towards guilt. We feel bad about actions we took. Then we get apathetic and feel like things are hopeless, if it’s not that we’re broken and everything else is great, and not the opposite that we’re the victim, then what do we do? We thing things are hopeless and get apathetic. After we process that, we start feeling regret. We’re in a state of grief because there’s so much we need to let go of. And that just takes time and we’re in a depressed state not doing much so we could process it all. After that we’re scared. We haven’t been taking action for a while so we’re scared and not sure what to do. Then we confront our fears and go on this sort of power trip where we’re insatiable and want everything to make up for lost time.

I’ll be interested to see where things go this week as I address my own fears around fundraising and expressing my emotions. 9:17am.

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