2022.02.02 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day two of journaling about Desire/ Craving/ Disappointing
* Do something social – reach out to at least one friend

* Meditation – Day 695
* Journaling – Day 38
* Yoga – Day 37
* Cold shower – Day 10

reflections:: 7:47am. I woke up around 6am this morning, watched motivational videos on YouTube, and then did yoga, meditated, and am now journaling. I’ve been taking care of a friend’s dog the past couple days and staying at her apartment. The dog is really cute and I enjoy taking care of him. This is new for me, as I used to previously find dogs smothering. Indeed, I used to find this exact dog smothering a few years ago, but now that he’s older and calmer he’s easier for me to enjoy spending time with.

Reflecting on Desire/ Craving/ Disappointing, I’m starting to think about how linked those states are. And that it’s not just desires causing one to be in a state of disappointment, but that being in a state of disappointment causes desire. A desire to change things, a desire to get something. A desire to have some sort of need met. A desire to make your future state somehow different than your present state. And just like other emotions and mental states, these states are essential. Compared the the mental state and feelings I’ve been exploring the past few weeks, this one is definitely higher energy and feels like a step somewhere. That said, I don’t really want to judge the various states, and I see how there are slivers in all of them on me at all times. That said, it’s interesting to think about how everyone who’s at the state of disappointment has felt their share of shame, guilt, apathy, grief, and fear. It’s now something I realize we all share. Projecting into further states, everyone who’s truly happy has learned to accept and work through shame, and has learned to work through the state of desires as well. They all know what it’s like to be disappointed. And not just that, but it’s an essential state before reaching enlightenment. Now, I’m feeling a pull towards all emotions. I really wish to feel them truly and deeply. And at the same time, I’m feeling more relaxed about doing so. I’ll feel my feelings as much as I’m going to feel them. And that’s ok. Some people feel them more. If I’m feeling them lightly, it’s surely for a good reason and I’ll feel them however I’ll feel them later. Seeing how being attached to feeling feelings is its own form of craving that requires me to be in a state of disappointment to even have that craving in the first place is an interesting epiphany to me. As I write this, I’m noticing that my forehead is relaxing – and that it’s generally tense. And my breathing is slowing down. I bet my heart rate is fairly high since I need to engage my core to sit at the edge of this bed and I drank wine last night. Yes, it’s at 76, while as recently as a couple weeks ago when I hadn’t drank alcohol the night before it would be in the 50’s while I was typing. That said, I feel fairly relaxed, and after taking a few slow breaths got it down to 68. Going to take the dog for a walk now and get coffee to start my day. Really moving the pitch deck forward for fundraising. 8:12am

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