Ysiad

todo::
* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day one of journaling about Anger/ Hate/ Aggression
* Social health – Call a friend to catch up. Help plan party for Saturday

habits::
* Meditation – Day 701
* Journaling – Day 44
* Yoga – Day 43
* Cold shower – Day 16

reflections:: 8:44am. I did my normal morning thing of waking up, showering, and yoga. Though I took my time shaving my head and reflecting on a phone conversation I had. With yoga I’m noticing improvements in metacognitive awareness whenever I choose to check into that. Today’s an interesting one because I feel completely unprepared to journal around today’s topic. So I’ll go ahead and dive into it anyways.

As I think about defining anger, hate, and aggression, I see red and feel very tense. So those are things that are associated with it. And I think about how when angry there is an extremely deep disappointment – that feels like an ingredient for anger. I can’t imagine myself being angry if I wasn’t just disappointed. Though it feels more active. Like there’s being disappointed, and then there’s doing something about it. And when I think about anger, it feels like a very impulsive state. It doesn’t feel like one where I’m slowing down and making calculated decisions. I get images of angry mobs.

And when I think of hate, I imagine times where I felt threatened. Like it’s impossible for me to imagine hating something that I don’t perceive as threatening me – even if it’s not physical. Like I could see someone including myself hating something that reminds them of weakness if they don’t feel comfortable with their own weakness. And the wider your sense of self, the more things can threaten you or make you feel angry.

There have been times when I’ve gotten angry and acted out in response to someone acting in a manner or saying something that I thought threatened a member of my team or family or a friend – someone I feel a connection to. I never thought about how feeling connected to more people also exposes me to more anger before. And I immediately think about how that can also expose me to more feelings of compassion and joy as well. As if someone gets helped, I could feel good about that too.

Now, I wonder what happens when someone I feel connected to threatens someone else I feel connected to. One instinct is to take sides. Another is to attempt to understand both sides and mediate. Hmm…. That makes me think a lot about work, though it will surely come up when I have a family as well. If you feel connected to everyone, you’ll seek to understand everyone including the person exhibiting threatening behaviors that cause me to feel angry.

As I type this, I imagine my father. Which I have a vague image of – I don’t know what he actually looks like. So it’s just a vague grey blob. Anyways, I’m imagining that as I learn to love him more, in addition to feeling hate, anger, and aggression, if I expand my love to include him, I’ll also feel understanding and compassion. The feelings of hate, anger, and aggression might dissipate. I’m feeling that happen even now as I type this. But I don’t want to be attached to that as an outcome. More like something I’m curious about. It’s ok for me to feel angry and have feelings of hate and be in an aggressive state. And also, it’s an opportunity for me to be aware that there are people I’m not loving. So it becomes a very useful tool in my increasing my love. 9:08am