Ysiad

todo::
* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day seven of journaling about Desire/ Craving/ Disappointing
* Call a friend to catch up

habits::
* Meditation – Day 700
* Journaling – Day 43
* Yoga – Day 42
* Cold shower – Day 15

reflections:: 10:47am After realizing how central the social aspects of my life are to where I’m feeling disappointment, I hung out with a friend yesterday, spoke with another friend on the phone, and proactively reached out to another about helping plan a party. I did my routine as normal when I woke up this morning, then got pulled into work, and now I’m doing my journaling, but saying that I’m doing my journaling is clearly redundant.

Thinking about the last day of desire/ craving/ disappointing and how it leads to anger/ hate/ antagonistic, I’m curious to explore how we get there. I see how each successive level takes more energy and builds on the ones before. So I can see how it takes energy to actively be hateful and antagonistic. And you have to be disappointed first before you can be angry about things.

Dwelling in the craving phases, this is a key one for me because when I was younger I’d be dismissive around admitting what I wanted because I was afraid that I would just be teased and/or disappointed when I didn’t get the things I wanted.

I can think of things like wanting to be student body president in 5th grade – and losing the election. Wanting to be in the advanced reading class in Prep for Prep, and being in the regular one. Wanting various people to go out with me as a kid, including going all the way back to Kindergarten. Funny that I can still remember the name of a girl I had a crush on from when I was 4 years old. There are times when I did know I wanted something and went after it. I wanted to get into Horace Mann, and got into it. I wanted to be on the wrestling team, and got onto it. I wanted to go out with the women I went out with when I was 18, 25, 33, 35, and 37 and I went out with them. Though I’m a little concerned writing it in this manner is objectifying, but I can explore that later. I wanted to have the job I have now, and I have it. I wanted to get the title I got at an old company I was a part of, and I got it. So I can see a number of ways that I am in touch with my desires. That’s pretty excellent and better than I’m realizing.

Before I started typing, I had a story in my head that I was not at all aware of things I wanted and going after them. But now I’m realizing that I do so all the time.

So what is it that’s making me assume I’m doing a subpar job here?

I suppose it’s that there are still things I want that I don’t have. I want to feel like I’m on track to create a family, and I’d like to start a communal house in NYC where I live with a bunch of people I like spending time with, in a manner that’s aligned with where I’m at as an adult. That’s the main thing that’s missing for me.

When I look at other aspects of my life, I’m satisfied with where I am from a work perspective, from a health perspective, and I’m even starting to be satisfied with where I am from an emotional perspective. That’s a huge realization for me as I couldn’t have said that as recently as 43 days ago, which is what prompted me to start this set of journaling exercises. That I intuitively knew how to address this issue and have cultivated the ability to follow through is hugely gratifying.