Ysiad

todo::
* Day five of journaling about Anger/ Hate/ Aggression
* Social health – Call at least one friend.
* Mental health – sign up for gym within easy walking distance of my house. Terminated old one. Found a boxing gym near my house.

habits::
* Meditation – Day 706
* Journaling – Day 48
* Yoga – Day 48
* Cold shower – Day 21

reflections:: 10:35am Woke up, did yoga, and meditated. Was pretty distracted, and so it’s great that I did it. My heart rate has been edging up. To the point where it’s 71 while I’m typing right now. A month ago, my heart rate while typing was typically in the 50’s. So that’s telling me that while my yoga routine is great for increasing body awareness – and I’m grateful I’m doing it – I need more of my typical exercise routine and intensity to counteract the current stress at work. There’s a boxing gym a short block and a half from my place. So I’m going to try signing up for that and seeing how I like it. That should get me to the point where I’m getting all the endorphins I need to destress.

I’m glad to be going into day five of journaling about anger/hate/aggression. I really want to explore ways I’m angry at myself, as it’s a higher energy than feeling shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, or desire. So all the things I felt those other things around, maybe I can feel anger in those same directions. And maybe I can frame anger as a positive next step, seeing as the next two after that are pride and then courage. So I’ve got a little bit of a roadmap here. So I’m angry that I ruined friendships when I was young by being self-centered and not knowing better. I’m angry that I had to excommunicate my father. I’m angry that I didn’t win student body president in fifth grade. I’m angry that I was mean to people. I’m angry that I wasn’t kinder to people who were there for me. I’m angry about situations with my old employers. I’m angry that I didn’t show up the ways I could have in previous relationships. I’m angry that I’m not in better shape. I’m angry that I’m still in my tax situation. I’m angry that I haven’t bought my mom a house. I’m angry that I lost money by trusting now-former-friends. I’m angry that I dropped out of college. I’m angry that I got arrested at 15. I’m angry that I did the things that got me arrested at 15. I’m angry that I didn’t know how to ask for help from people who would have been happy to help me when I was younger. I’m angry that I need to figure so many things out now as an adult. I’m angry that I lied to myself about my feelings and denied them. And as I notice how I’m feeling, I’m energized. Where thinking about shame or fear or craving stayed in my head or might have a feeling elsewhere in my body, but was still relatively subdued, leaning into anger results in a higher energy level. I’m typing faster and feel more awake. It’s almost like a cheat code to get more energy. If I’m feeling low energy, I can get angry, and that’ll get me moving. It’s literally more stress of course, so it’s higher energy, but at a cost. Good to be aware of it. And for the next two days, I’m going to lean into tapping into it.