2022.02.12 Journal

* Day four of journaling about Anger/ Hate/ Aggression
* Social health – At least stop by party on Saturday. See at least one friend in person.

* Meditation – Day 705
* Journaling – Day 47
* Yoga – Day 47
* Cold shower – Day 20

reflections:: 9:50am Woke up, cold shower, did yoga, meditated, now today’s journal post. I already messaged a friend to hang out. And I’m noticing that I’ve got more body awareness while doing yoga. I’m more aware of an exact spot in my left thigh where I’m sore, a sharp pain I’ve been getting in my neck for at least the past two years has been going away, my lower back is no longer in pain, and my right shoulder is in way better shape also. A lot has improved in the past 47 days. On the work front, things are even more stressful with significant personnel changes. But we’re pushing through. Things will be on a significant upswing once we get past the next few months.

On anger/ hate/ aggression, I just had a hunch to ask myself when I think people might have feelings of anger/ hate/ aggression towards me. Definitely when I’m the messenger of news they don’t want to hear, or when people view me as an obstacle to something they want, or when people think I might not like them, or when people think I might be critical of them, or when they were depending on me for something and I didn’t do it, or when they think I represent something that is offending them. In my role as a CEO, people who work at the companies I run will project issues they have with authority onto me. And people who don’t work with me who know I’m a CEO will project issues they have with people who have decision-making power onto me as well. So either way, there’s a lot of projection that can lead to people associating me with things they didn’t do. But what about people who know me better? I can imagine my youngest sister has some feelings of hate towards me for me not being more present when she was younger. Those would be feelings similar to those I had towards my father. Then I can imagine that people I was mean to when I was younger hated me or had feelings of aggression. And people who were upset at me for having something they wanted like a certain role or position might have felt anger or hatred as well. Given what I just typed above, it seems rational that the things I projected would cause others to feel anger/hate/aggression would apply to me as well. And maybe there’s even a part of me that hates myself or is angry at myself for those exact same actions. Like, are there parts of me that hate myself for being in a position where I need to give people bad news? Or that hate myself for not being more present in my youngest sister’s life while she was younger? Or for having things that other people wanted – like admission to top schools – while simultaneously not really caring about those things as much as I knew other people did? Are there parts of me that are angry at how much I took for granted when I was younger and still take for granted now? I’m sure there are. And I’m appreciating the mental state that these questions are putting me in. I’ve got a deeper sense of the nuances of anger now, and as I’m getting more comfortable with the feelings and what causes them, I’m more curious while simultaneously less reflexively drawn to shifting out of anger and avoiding it.

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