2022.01.23 Journal

* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day Five of journaling about Grief/Sadness/Regret & Depression
* Do something social

* Meditation – Day 685
* Journaling – Day 28
* Yoga – Day 27

reflections:: 10:02am I’m proud of seeing that I’ve been journaling for four straight weeks and am about to hit that same milestone with regards to yoga. And it’s great being more aware of when I’m avoiding an emotion, because I can feel that now. Like I was reading a review of season 4 of The Wire, and it was going into what’s tragic about the plot lines, and I noticed that I was finding it hard to read, and that I was reading the parts that made me feel sad faster to get through it. Fascinating. It’s like I was dissociating even while reading! It makes me want to rewatch The Wire to see how I might feel differently about it now, and reread lots of books I read when I was younger to see how they hit me differently now that the books might stir up emotions.

I just paused for a few minutes to try and feel grief, and ask myself how I could feel it more deeply. So one thing is that it will take me some time to get to the point where I can bring up these sorts of feelings on command. I’m sure I’ll get there, but that’s not even necessarily something I want to do. Hmm… it’s more like I want to be able to acknowledge whatever level of grief is currently available to me. That seems more like what I want. What’s sad right now? How do I feel regret? I can think of friendships that I let die because I just didn’t know any better and took bad actions. I can think of how even if I were to have kids in an incredible environment, they’ll still bully and be bullied as that’s just their nature. I can think about how everyone starts out completely self-centered then goes through cycles of kindness and various pathologies as they go through life, eventually settling on the patterns of action that get positive reinforcement. I can find sadness in there, as there are times that narcissistic behavior gets positive feedback and there are times that being depressed gets positive feedback also. I used to dismiss behaviors by others as “they just want attention.” Now I see that statement as even more accurate than before. Though I have a different reaction. Everyone just wants attention, including myself. It’s not too much to ask for. And at the same time, it’s very important that we give attention for important things. We want ourselves and those around us to be supported, while simultaneously, we want to guide ourselves and others in directions that make society better for themselves and everyone around them. It seems so obvious now that so many actions I took when I was younger were for attention. And I can see how I refused to give myself any sort of feedback whatsoever for expressing sadness or grief or regret. And in a household led by someone who’s depressed, unless we’re both going to be depressed, it seems positively adaptive to not feel depressed or sad. My mother was doing her best, but simply didn’t have tools to deal with her past in a manner that would allow her to move past and not be stuck in a depressed state. That’s sad and I feel grief over it. I’m going to let myself feel that now. And in just a couple of minutes I need to hop onto a call while heading to brunch with a friend of mine. 10:26am.

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